"I'm running on the inside!"

Most of us have heard of the little boy who was told, "Sit down!" He sat, but in his childhood honesty declared, "I might be sitting on the outside, but I'm standing on the inside!" Is it possible to obey God on the outside but be running on the inside?

The book of Jonah starts with a pretty grim description of a prophet. God told him to go and he ran. As I considered Jonah, I saw a piece of my own heart. I wanted to go into missions. I'm "stuck" here in white society in North America. I had to ask myself this morning, though, is God more interested in missions or in obedience; full, unhindered obedience? While the circumstances were different, the principle remains the same; to obey is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). I had my own ideas of what I wanted to do for God. Was there an element of wanting to be the "amazing Christian" that is admired by all for her self sacrificial mission work? Maybe. Likely. In retrospect, I was a rather self-absorbed person in some respects. I did and do love my family with an immeasurable care and compassion. My attitude toward the Body of Christ? Um, well, that's kind of needed some work.

What if God has called me to be right here? This isn't a glib statement by any means. Very far from it. I've wrestled with this for over twenty-five years. Quite honestly, I do not want to be here. I've been running from God on the inside. When we were dismissed from a full-time position, I felt as though we were being kicked out of the will of God. Was God calling us here? I'm considering that, now. We have a passion for truth and the North American church is struggling to accept the very truth that brought her salvation. We won't always be readily accepted. We're kind of hard nosed but hopefully gracious in our approach when it comes to the truth of scripture. We won't back down.

I recently realized that I wasn't really moved by those truths in scripture (see previous post). That was frightening. I asked God to show me what I needed to change. It seems that He has. I'm heading to church with a different attitude this morning. I'm at least slowing down to a walk on the inside. I might even be turning around.